Category: Buddhism

This year has been keeping me up on my toes. One significant change in how I live, think and function has followed another in a roller coaster of happenings and realizations. At work, I am moving to a different office location yet again. An office co-inhibitor that has to move as well was seriously upset. She has been sitting there for a decade and all of a sudden there is an announcement that she will be relocated within a week. I haven't grown any roots to the new desk so my only regret is that the new office will be devoid of windows. Natural light is like food to me and I sure am going to feel its missing presence. But I am not the one to insistently complain, if I hate something I am free to find a different path. It is important to always remember that we do have a choice. No one is making us stay in a bad relationship or a job we dislike. We choose to stick around. Whether it is fear, guilt or lack of optimism that is stopping us from achieving that freedom, the cause is internal. And that is great news because once we realize that we are empowered to create our own future, we obtain the power to do so.

Sadly, people tend to gravitate toward complacency. Once a comfortable place is found they would resist with all their might to abandon its familiar feeling. The fact that future is uncertain is one of the reasons for this. Another reason is that people don't want to do more than necessary - being proactive is a rare trait in today's society. Many are content with life as long as they know what to expect. Unknown is feared and familiar is worshiped unjustly. It is hard to talk to people about things that aren’t widely accepted by surrounding society. It is almost impossible to get a person to think for themselves. One step toward the unexpected and a few words of caution from “helpful” friends and everyone is back where they started. The vicious cycle continues and people are powerless to initiate change on their own. However, doing nothing doesn’t bring stability, life keeps moving either forward or back, progress-wise. The change will either be initiated by us, in which case we have better control of the outcome, or be sprung on us with or without warning.

It is important to notice the positive in situations that we find ourselves in and to embrace the change - after all, life is constantly moving. Buddhism teaches that change is life's inevitable reality. It is a catalyst for opportunities that present us with chances to evolve as human beings. Physical exercise develops the muscle, learning exercises the brain and life challenges forge a strong unbreakable spirit. It isn't always easy and sometimes we can't see why we have to encounter certain problems until after a solution is found. There are lessons to be learned from every person and situation. A great deal of lessons are loud and clear – don’t give up on yourself, you are stronger than you think.

Once Upon A Star

11/07/2011

Back in January 2004 I have met an amazing person, Sidney Springer. He came to DDC where I worked at the time with his wife and daughter. His daughter was probably about two years old and his wife was pregnant with their second child. He came to share his experience at the weekly Buddhist meeting that we had during lunch breaks on Wednesdays. I knew he was coming and made sure that nothing interfered with me being there. Carlyle, the man who introduced me to Buddhism (he also introduced Sidney to the practice), said that a young man will come to the meeting who was recently diagnosed with cancer. He said that this young man wanted to encourage people with his positive outlook and victorious spirit. Despite Carlyle’s confidence, I wasn’t expecting a happy encouraging person. How can someone recently diagnosed with cancer not be swayed by the fact that he was probably dying? Forget encouraging me with my silly inconsequential problems, I wanted to go so that there would be someone who supported him during this trying time.

Everyone knew he was coming and there was sadness in the air - he was only twenty eight. However, when he stepped into the room with his wife and his daughter at hand, the atmosphere transformed in seconds. It was still sad, but now that we met him, we were encouraged by his remarkable strength and positivity. He was living his life to the fullest, without fear, without regrets and without asking “why me”. He talked about his sickness, but I could tell that his main reason for coming was to encourage everyone not to give up on their dreams no matter what. It was as if for him living to the fullest was touching as many hearts as possible. He fearlessly cheered people on to pursue their happiness without a selfish thought. It was beautiful how his wife supported him with her genuine loving smile and gentle touch.

I often thought about the bright young man that I have met on the cold day In January years ago. His smile, his words and his love for his wife reminded me about important things in life time and again. I hoped that he got well and overcame his sickness. I wished that someday I could tell him how grateful I was and give him a piece of my happiness to return the favor. Sadly, the only favor I could return was attending his memorial this October. He died on September 2, the day before his 36th birthday. On the day of the memorial it was raining and snowing, and everyone knows how I dislike going to the city without a class or dinner incentive, but there was no question that I had to be there for him and his family. My boyfriend came with me, knowing how important this memorial was from what I have told him. My grandfather also had lung cancer and died, but all he had was six months after the doctors got involved. Sidney was fortunate enough to have another eight years with his family. He got to meet his second daughter and see both of his children grow. He didn’t just disintegrate mentally, physically or spiritually, he lived with joy and vigor while he was alive.

During the first part of the memorial there was a lot of chanting, this would have made Sidney happy. I chanted for him with appreciation - thank you for being who you were, thank you for bringing so much optimism into the world that it stayed there even after you were gone. People shared their memories of Sidney. His wife remembered the lessons that he taught her, most important ones being that one has to be happy first before he/she can make others happy and that we need to chant for people who make us miserable because they need it most since they are suffering. One of his friends remembered how toward the end Sidney was so week that he had to be rolled in his chair from one room to the next, but he was always up for chanting. Another friend shared Sidney’s confidence that we always get back what we give. Sidney firmly believed that no smile is wasted, that each one will be returned by the person smiling back at us. That’s how he lived his life, bringing his smile wherever he went! His daughters danced for daddy, his friends sang and told jokes. It was a celebration of a wonderful young man’s life, a young man who deserved to be remembered. Sidney’s spirit is now a part of all the people that he has touched and therefore will live on through us as ripples of goodness and compassion that we project forth with him in mind.

Health is Our Birthright - The Joy of Self Empowerment

10/16/2011

An abrupt awakening to a possible challenge that my body was facing last February got me revisiting my existing beliefs about health, doctors and food. After the initial shock subsided and I could again think somewhat clearly, I decided that I was done relying on others when it came to my health. As a Buddhist, I know that I am responsible for my health, my happiness and my wellbeing. There is no external source to pray to, no predetermined destiny to follow without having a say. Therefore, I have the freedom to choose what I’ll do and what kind of effects I’ll create in my life. I continuously applied this to my life in all other aspects, except for when I fell ill, that is. I chanted for positive energy and best doctors, which is all good and well. But I forgot, or rather it didn’t occur to me, to chant about what I can do to help myself. However, in case of this particular challenge, passing the reins of my life to doctors was simply not an option.

I took a walk, letting the cool February air sober me up and get me focused on the task at hand - being healthy. Immediately, all other worries not only seemed insignificant in comparison, but it became clear that I had to be more relaxed about everyday things that I often stress myself over in order for them not to become the very reasons of my disease. I am a workaholic and at times when there is a problem at work I would still search for a solution while I ride on a train, exercise, or wash dishes at home. There seemed to be no boundary where my job ends and my personal life begins, I was all merged and as a result of that my work duties tended to transgress on everything else in my life. I would often skip meals, stay late, and back in the day when I was still married, come to work on an occasional Saturday “to catch up”. It wasn’t healthy or fair, and it had to stop because the stress that my attitude toward work was generating was contributing to my health problems. As I walked and sipped ginger tea that replaced my usual morning coffee I saw hope ahead.

I started reading the book that my mom urged me to read for years now. The author of the book, Maya Gogulan, was seriously ill. She was bedridden for over a year and was deemed to die by her doctors. She was slowly approaching her end when she found out about Nishi System of Health. This system combines a diet rich in raw fruits and vegetables with special exercises that improve circulation and help detoxification that even people who are bedridden can do, thus cleansing the body of toxins and nourishing it so that it could heal itself. Within few months of eating this way and performing the exercises she was not only out of bed, but leading a normal life, completely overcoming her illness. She surprised doctors when she came by the hospital, they thought that she surely died by then. But, as amazed by her miraculous recovery as they were, no one was interested in learning how she did it. The doctors wanted to continue doing what they were doing. So, being a journalist, she took it upon herself to let people know about their options by writing books and giving lectures. Through her knowledge many were able to overcome cancer, the tumors shrank in front of the doctors eyes. As part of her book, Maya included research done by renowned dietitians on the effects that different foods have on our bodies, the role of vitamins, minerals and enzymes, and the consequences of taking over the counter and prescription drugs. As I read the book it all started to fall into place and make sense. The way our bodies work is amazing, we don’t give them enough credit! Instead, we over abuse them, poison them and take them for granted. I gained tremendous appreciation and respect for my body, it is truly a temple!

A Life Of Beauty, Gain and Value

10/11/2011

We live in a competitive material world, and while it is absolutely essential for us to be able to support ourselves, the aggression and the never ending pursuit of financial gain slowly strip our lives of joy.   Everyone who has a full time job knows that the job becomes a big part of who we are. Because we spend the majority of our waking hours at work or commuting to and from work, there is little time left for anything else. In general, my day is extremely hectic – wake up, do morning yoga, get my son and myself ready for the day, take him to school, get to work, work, lunch with a few minutes of chanting/meditation, back to work, get home, pick up my son from afterschool, dinner, review homework, if lucky, there is a little time left to do some cleaning, if very lucky, there is some time to do more chanting/meditation, if very, very lucky, there is some time to do something creative, and then story time and bedtime for us both. With that kind of routine, I have got to either enjoy what I do or expect a nervous breakdown. And I am one of the people who seldom, if ever work overtime. I can only imagine what some people feel after working ten, sometimes twelve, hour days. When do they see their families?   When do they do anything that they enjoy?   Do they have any energy left but to collapse in exhaustion?

More and more people are becoming the lemons of greedy corporations. They are being squeezed till the last drop to produce.   More profit for the company, perhaps more wealth for stockholders – how nice, we feel prosperous as a country. As if stock prices were a valid measure of happiness that common people are experiencing in their daily lives. Instead, it is the despair and the uncertainty that they tend to reflect. The more money we make, the more we think that we need to accomplish financially to be happy. There is always something that we haven’t achieved yet that is stopping us from fully enjoying what we have.   Comparing ourselves to others is something that happens naturally, without much thought. However, it is not constructive in any way to feel inadequate just because someone has a bigger home or a nicer car, or earns more money. I admit, at times it is hard for me to pass a beautiful house without a thought that I should somehow figure out a way to get one of those, or to see someone with 400 dollar shoes on and a fancy outfit and not to feel poor for a second in my everyday clothes and somewhat worn-out sandals. It isn’t easy, but nothing is impossible and we have to try because there will always be someone who is wealthier, more beautiful, having something that we desire and don’t yet have.   It took some practice to silence the hunger for material things and be able to pass something that I would fervently desire without a feeling of urgency to immediately acquire it.

Buddhism is the science of life and it teaches in its common sense way that while desires are and will always be a part of our lives, they shouldn’t dictate how we live. Our lives should instead be aimed at balancing all three aspects of true prosperity – beauty, gain and value. Beauty is accomplished by creating something from the heart and having the time to see it in the world around ourselves. Gain is the financial security that a good job supplies. Without it our basic needs for food, water and shelter will not be met. Value is an ability to positively and productively contribute to our environment, be it our society or the world on a bigger scale. In this day and age, it is very rare that a job will satisfy all three. The focus seems to be mostly on gain, choosing beauty or value will most of the time lead to poverty and while some of us bravely storm through life following their passions without a penny to their name, others count their possessions and try to convince themselves that having a job they intensely enjoy is awfully unrealistic.

I am rich with experiences that taught me appreciation for life. When I look at my life as it is at the moment and ask myself if I am happy and if I am doing my best to live it to the fullest, all that matters is how I feel about it and how I feel about myself. The career is not the first thing that comes to mind and it is not the second. Treasures of the heart make my life full, not the number of properties that I own. Did I love enough? Did I laugh enough? Those are the questions that I ask myself. I am ambitious. I take pride in my skills and in my success. I need to have a job that I enjoy doing. I need to be able to support myself and my son, to live comfortably and to be financially secure. However, I am not interested in trying to get rich while my life is slipping away without anything happening that’s worth remembering. Ambition is important, but once you pass the invisible boundary separating reasonable striving for success with a seemingly inevitable all-consuming obligation, the reward at the end of that tunnel is not really worth it.

Life is not an “all or nothing kind of deal”!

10/04/2011

A day before my birthday my mom, my brother, my son and I went out to eat, but for some strange reason the restaurant that I wanted to go to was closed. My boyfriend teased that it wasn’t strange at all that one of the few Raw Food restaurants in Queens will be closed down. I felt sad, disappointed and cheated out of a healthy meal as we headed to Chilies’ instead, my brother was hungry and he just had to eat something. We arrived and were seated promptly. The waiter was very pleasant and respectful of my finicky vegan requests, “No cheese, no cream, no bacon, got it”. I found something decent to eat and even though it wasn’t organic (good luck finding that when eating out!!) or all raw (I had some brown rice and beans on the side for my big salad), and definitely made with table salt (hate that cooks put that crap in the food and call themselves chefs), I enjoyed it with realization that it didn’t have to be all or nothing kind of deal.

For me, a true Virgo perfectionist, this is a huge step away from the very principles that drive me forward. Everything needs to be in order and I need to be in control of every situation that I am involved in, well at least as far as it comes to me and everything that has to do with me. Giving up control is not something that I like to do, so you would never see me drunk or riding crazy roller coasters. I always wear a seatbelt, even as a passenger in the back seat. I imitate the beeping sound that the car makes when someone in the front seat is driving without a seat belt without thinking about it. My boyfriend, who has a nasty habit of driving around without buckling up, complains that I am annoying, and that’s when I usually realize that I am making the beeping sound again, “Sorry, just want you to be safe.” How selfish of me, but I want people that I love to stay around longer! Driving without a seatbelt to me is asking for an early departure.

However uncomfortable it is for me to accept that life is rarely if ever perfect, if I look for that feeling of perfection and tie it in with happiness on top of that, I will never be happy or content and spend my life on an unrealistic quest toward an unreachable goal in misery. Buddhism teaches that happiness is not the absence of problems and I totally agree. I filed for a divorce, had a surgery and was in a car accident within three month of each other in 2007, but through every challenge I was accompanied by protection – an order of protection from the Family Court, a doctor that I have personally known and trusted my life to and a seat belt together with a sense of calm that enabled me to respond the best possible way for us to stay alive. Thankfully, I don’t leave a husband with anger issues, go through emergency surgeries or collide with Hummers every day!!! I don’t wish that on anyone, especially if they don’t feel any pain relief even after being given morphine. Suffering seems to be an inseparable part of life, and yet there is always an ability to feel joy, no matter what the circumstances are. 2007 was the most difficult year for me, but all through the challenges and even physical pain I was able to feel happiness - I was alive, I was free and I was starting over. From major life emergencies to a disappointment over a closed restaurant, we are constantly reminded that absolute happiness is within us and can’t be taken away. Life is truly not an “all or nothing kind of deal”.

“Good Morning” to you too!

09/27/2011

The alarm rang. It was still dark out. With slight hesitation I opened my eyes and stretched. Was it that time already? My feet found a way out from under the warm blanket to the cool floor. Still sleepy, I encouraged myself to wake up with some more stretching as I headed for the bathroom. I opened the door and Rio stormed out, ready to play, as usual. Yes, it was time to feed the cats and do my morning yoga. A bare thought of an unfolded yoga mat on my floor sent pleasant sensations through my body. Sun salutations here I come!!!

My son had a hard time getting up, but with help of playful Rio nothing is impossible. There is only so many times that you can get bitten without thinking that perhaps it would be a good idea to get out of bed. All four of us were awake and ready for the day. Max went to school. I headed to the bus station. My usual cheerful “Good Morning” was not reciprocated by the bus driver. Well, sometimes the bus drivers are friendly and sometimes they are not. I didn’t necessarily expect a reply, it is “a nice to hear”. My card didn’t work for some reason, so I tried again. It beeped with that annoying dull sound that makes you feel broke and somewhat retarded for not refilling it on time. The irritating sound was ill deserved - I just refilled my card last week.

The bus driver was motioning me to take off my headphones. I took one out and looked at her questioningly. She was pissed off, “You’re like one of the school kids walking around with headphones on, not hearing anything that I’m telling you!” She had a nasty attitude toward me. She even raised her voice with authority! My agreeable mood was washed over by irritation. Who was she to tell me that I can’t wear headphones! I was about to call her a bitch, but my feet moved me toward the seat, lucky for her, me and the rest of the passengers. I steamed from my seat until the ride was over and then got off the bus as fast as I could, not trusting myself to behave in a polite way. I would be suggesting a Midol if she as much as opened her mouth.

I get angry easily, that’s one of my challenges. My temper can be hot and unpredictable, especially when my pride is hurt. Even as a child I hated being talked down to, by anyone, didn’t matter if it was my parent, my teacher, another adult or a peer. I couldn’t wait to grow up so that I could make my own decisions. I haven’t changed much in that respect, if my supervisor wants something he needs to find a polite way to ask me about it, if my boyfriend needs a favor he better have an appreciation speech written before he brings it up, and my mother is always reminded that I am an adult and all she can do is cautiously suggest. I don’t recognize religious authority and believe that the purpose of a government is to serve the people.

With the world being very different from my idealistic expectations, my patience is constantly tried. Some days I am more easygoing than others, depending on how much time I have had to myself and how much I chanted. But even when I am on a brink of an emotional explosion, I still have a chance to choose what I’ll do. My thoughts might be chaotic, but almost instinctively I know that reprisal would only make things worse and so I walk away from stormy confrontations until I can calmly approach the person and have a dialogue. Once the anger is gone, it is easier to make wiser choices. People have bad days - there is no need to make it worse. Most of the time it isn’t personal when someone lashes out, they are simply reacting to something else that has happened in their lives and it has nothing to do with us. But our reactions determine which direction our life will take. If we stop and think before we respond to a negative person with anger, we will create a positive cause for everyone involved. If we let the proud arrogance take control and lash out with the same kind of attitude at others, we will become the source of negativity in other people’s lives as well as in our own.

Creative Writing: Describing a Dream

09/20/2011

Another creative writing assignment was to write about a dream that we had as if it has actually happened. I chose a particularly memorable one from the time when I made up my mind about practicing Buddhism.

"It was so dark and quiet that I seemed to be engulfed by nothingness. It felt like I was effortlessly moving in no direction in particular. There was no ground under my feet or walls around me, as if the space I was in had no boundaries. Total absence of sound should have probably been alarming, as there is always some noise in the background, even if it's just the sound of my breath or the buzz in my ear that can only be noticed in complete and utter stillness, but I was comfortable in these strange surroundings. I wasn't flying, just being there in slight motion, floating without any sensation of being up in the air through emptiness. And then, in a quick instant, there was an unbearable brightness that seemed to come from nowhere and I saw them, two giant statue-like figures, cast in gold, propped up on their colossal royal thrones. I stood next to them, an insignificant ant in comparison. They shone in all their glory with intensity of a fresh fallen snow, consuming the dark nothingness until there was just the three of us left with no empty space between or around us. Bulky Buddha statues with faces of a Christian God, they looked immovable and rigid. I was shocked when they unexpectedly raised their arms in threat and roared in spine melting fury, "How dare you defy us, you pitiful human!"

I wondered what I did to make them so angry, but remained surprisingly calm, as if I knew that they couldn't hurt me even if they tried. I looked at them without fear or shame and thought that I owed them no explanation. I was certain that I was free to live my life as I pleased without a permission of a deity. At that moment I realized that they must have been mad because I didn't believe that they even existed. I didn't say anything, there was no need - it was as if they could read my mind. They roared some more, threatening, bellowing, raging inside at my disobedience. But, clearly, there was nothing they could do to frighten me and soon enough their voices grew fainter and they started to shrink at an exponential rate until they became as big as I was. As I looked them straight in the eye, they shrunk even further and disappeared, leaving me in the nothingness that was there in the beginning, before their arrival. I was surrounded by fullness of silence and welcoming darkness again. There was an immense sense of peace permeating through me and all around. I was at home, like a single drop of water which has merged back in the ocean after being separated from it by the naughty wind."

And Then There Was Sunshine

09/05/2011

Sunshine is the nickname that I was given by one of my dear friends, the friend that has introduced me to Buddhism.   I carry my nickname with pride - what can be more praiseworthy of one then to be called a human ray of sun. To me, this appellation implies an ability to reflect the radiance of life and to illuminate the darkness of human condition.

I haven’t always been sunny and cheerful. I have had my dark moments, more than plenty of them. There were times when I wondered the streets of New York, feeling absent from life, observing others with apathy and speculating whether they could go through me if they kept walking straight and I didn’t bother to turn. I felt paper thin, invisible at times, ghostly and wretched.   What was the reason for my existence, I wanted to know, but no one had the answer that would make sense to me. I was alive because my parents had made me, science explained and I felt angry that no one asked me first if I wanted to be born. I was alive because god gave me life, church declared without really answering my question. Questions are not encouraged when it comes to god’s will, we should just have faith. I was alive because somehow I was special and meant to contribute to the world in my unique way, whispered my heart and then the mind forced its murky discernment over the tiny sliver of hope.

One day an older Jamaican man with long braided dreadlocks and funky attitude came up to me and asked why I had a look of an old disappointed woman on my face.   I didn’t like the question, but after a brief hesitation I did let him know what I thought about life. “I see”, he said. And then he taught me how to chant. I chanted on my own for a few months, every day seeking him out at work to talk more about Buddhist philosophy. I was thirsty for it like a dried out desert was for a drop of rain. The more I learned, the more I realized that I was always a Buddhist at heart.

However, the battle hasn’t been won yet, the past was resistant of letting me go. I was chased by a Christian madman, pleading and urging for me to come to church. I knew that there was nothing there that would make me happy, but was scared to move on and officially practice Buddhism. I was feeling the fear and guilt that were instilled in me from childhood. If you hear that lack of faith in god will send you to hell after death a million times, it kind of becomes a certainty in your mind, on a deep subconscious level.   And the talks of Christ dying for people’s sins weighted heavily down on my soul. The Christian guy, sensing my fear and guilt pressed harder, pushed further until it became quite hostile between the two of us. He upset me to tears with his threats and the predictions of my demise if I continued to chant.

But I kept chanting because it was helping me. I felt lighter and happier, and the little sliver of hope was emerging from my depths and blooming like a flower. I was beginning to discover the wonders of who I was and seeing the beauty around myself to which I was previously oblivious. There was no way any man was going to stop me from diving even deeper into the welcoming embrace of my being. However, the feeling of guilt and fear was still ever present in the background. It is not easy to change something that is hidden on a deeper level of conscience. It takes a lot of effort and work. My friend put it very logically, though, he said that practicing a religion for the wrong reasons, such as fear and guilt, is really equivalent to not practicing it at all. If your heart is not in it or it doesn’t make sense to you, you might as well look for happiness somewhere else and get over that fear and guilt, they are not constructive.

One day we were talking, as usual, and he presented me with my first pair of beads for chanting. The beads were inside a container, so I didn’t know what I was holding until he told me. The Christian man who harassed me came by and forcefully handed me the Bible before I could object. So, there I was, standing with Buddhist beads in one hand and a Bible in the other.   Everything around me seemed to disappear, time slowed down and froze - the universe itself was waiting for me to make my decision. I knew at that moment, that most profound moment of my life that I will be happy and that I knew how. I gave the Bible back to the man, smiling with confidence and determination, “No thanks, I am good.” He looked bewildered, clearly in shock of my instant transformation from being somewhat gullible and easily harassed to a person of unshakable resolve. Something wonderful has happened to me in the moment when I was making my choice - the feeling of being broken was gone, it was replaced by sensation of bottomless joy. I felt truly complete. Without any doubt in my mind I knew that there existed the beautiful marvelous everlasting me and that the feeling of being special that followed me through life was not some ego nonsense, it was who I truly was.

The man has never bothered me again even though I have made no attempts to avoid him. I passed by him almost every day when on the way to my friend’s desk. I held my head high, politely smiling with joy, not to him per se, but because I just couldn’t stop. That was my first true victory over negativity. And today, after over seven years of chanting, I still have a giddy smile on my face more often than not.

Confessions of a Buddhist

09/01/2011

I am not going to pretend to be perfect, pretending is a foreign concept to me, as alien as socializing with an alligator, although even that is probably more likely to happen given my concern for the animal co-habitants with whom we share our world. I am quirky, I am “out there”, or so I have been told. I am the black sheep, or rather, the “Black Russian”, and it has nothing to do with the color of my skin. I genuinely enjoy people’s perception of me as out of the ordinary. It is not a call for attention, but it is truly nice to leave a feeling behind after you meet a person where they are kind of confused and flabbergasted by what or whom they have encountered. Usually the reaction is favorable, but sometimes, I can clearly see the person struggling to figure out where to categorize me and that always makes me chuckle inside. Great, I have given them something to think about!

I am outspoken and sometimes I tend to make people uncomfortable with my direct comments and observations. Sometimes I accidentally insult people and other times the comment is well thought out and targeted to be heard. Lately, I have become better at judging when I should bite my tongue and let the person be. Occasionally the need arises for a person to learn for themselves, without my interference, especially if I already commented on the subject. A small consolation to all is that I am not cruel. I always have the victim’s best interest in mind, always try to be helpful and phrase the remarks as kindly as possible, that is, until someone gets on my nerves and lets my tongue loose, they then should run for the cover and wait it out somewhere safe.

It is not a Buddhist thing, but a Nadia thing, a trait that I have been born with. Since I can remember, I have spoken out in any situation if there is a call for it. I have answered back when my drunken step-father was insulting me or my mother, I have yelled out my discontent when my ex-husband treated me unfairly, and I have scolded my boss for acting inhumane toward others. Maybe it was stupid to deal with fearsome people head on, without any regard for my physical or financial safety, but I am passionate about fairness and justice. Plainly, I am a work in progress, there is always something to improve, something to tweak. Just like the car needing an oil change once in a while, there is a necessity for me to perform maintenance on myself to smooth out the rough edges. Even though I think of myself as a diamond-in-a rough kind of person, I humbly accept that a world can do with less hot shots gleaming wildly, pocking and sticking others with their untamed inconsiderate flanges.

In Buddhism, there is a concept of “turning poison into medicine”, which is a process that person undergoes while turning a negative aspect of their life into positive and somehow using it to create value in their life and the world around them. Nichiren Buddhism is not the kind where you withdraw from the word. It is all about being fully present and living your life with courage to speak your mind and to follow through with your dreams, it is all about action. Learning from its teachings, I have fine tuned what I say to be more compassionate and understanding toward others and found comfort in the fact that speaking up is not as imprudent a trait as I once thought it was. Besides, imperfections are necessary and inseparable aspects of our lives, they serve as springboards for us to develop ourselves as human beings. The more we challenge the dark side of ourselves, the brighter will the light side shine. There is no need to be embarrassed by them or imagine that they don’t exist, look at them straight in the eye, acknowledge them and then roll up your sleeves.